Wellllll, Howdy friends its been a while right?
Man have I been through some ringers this past year and however long its been....
I guess, I'm back .... for one reason or another here trying to make sense of life...
So, I'm just gonna dive in with a tiny bit of context.
I've met someone... after many heart breaks, after many tears, falls, cuts, scrapes and bruises .... and I am terrified of how he makes me feel... I'm terrified because if my heart breaks this time, it'll be the last time... I've got no more left in me to keep going...
I shouldn't worry about the what if's I shouldn't do a lot of things but I am genuinely scared... how can I trust that this won't blow up in my face after all the promises I've been made before...
but maybe this is different because he is different... he is just, unlike any other...
even the people around me notice I am different, I light up when he's mentioned or around....
you know that love that the mother (Patricia) was talking about in P.S I Love you? you just don't feel like you exist until he walks into the room? you have to have seen it and I don't think everyone will feel this way, but I do...
I met him because of work, and I'm still figuring it all out
but when he looks at me, all the problems of the day are just melt away... when I hear his voice my heart feels warm... and when I think about all the future stuff it doesn't scare me but then anxiety just explodes.... and it all goes awry bringing up every wrong doing anyone has even done to me...
when I feel any type of anxiety, or when I'm mad and he's around... he has this way of just making it all better.... and I'm scared of this feeling... being vulnerable and it leads to an episode... what if I get hurt again? so many bad things have happened before after letting the door to my feels open a crack I've been broken... and letting myself feel this scares me!
but writing all this down, and writing him a letter about how I feel has temporarily eased the anxiety
haha I think i've talked enough for this entry. I guess stay tuned for my other life updates in another post :) <3
As always,
the forever weird and nerdy,
Miss Hermit
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