Hey, really poersnal post today... I'm in conflict but need to get this out before it eats me alive.
I'm, kinda wondering.... perhaps, do I have some kind of a sign anywhere on my body, that makes me less human? Am I human looking? Humans have emotions and "hearts" right?
I always thought so...
but WHY is it... that i've turned into a play thing? to be used and abused then left and forgotten like I never happened, like I never mattered...
My heart is BLEEDING... for answers... please. why is it that it's okay for people to treat me like a pile of horse crap... but when I make one step in the wrong direction I'm the fricken epitome of everything thats BAD in the world?
My simple purpose in life is to love those around me... to make the lights sparkle a little brighter than they did before...
but I am always punished for it? I don't wan't anything in return but that doesn't mean i'm nothing... that you can then continually suck the light out of my soul...
When is it gonna okay for me to want someone to look at me like i'm the sun moon and stars?
When is it gonna be okay for me to not be treated like I'm disposable...
When am I gonna find someone to cuddle to sleep till the end of my days?
When am I going to love someone who loves be back just as much... like a competition between eachother of who can love who more a fun game... just because we can.
Those little cute notes
Lazy days in bed...
Those days just sitting around side by side not having to talk just enjoying eachothers presence?
Karoke just the two of us...
Gaming together...
Cooking together...
Adventures just because we can...
Someone to inspire instead of drain.
Someone to walk with me to accompany me along my journey. side by side.
I don't know, maybe I'm just looking for unicorns
Maybe I'm the oil lighting my fire of misery...
I keep letting things slide giving the assholes (pardon my french) the benefit of the doubt...
when is it gonna be my turn for someone to turn up for me and stay? for someone to have my back and love me as much as I give love... when is it gonna be okay for me to have that?
or is that just selfish thinking?
I get ignored, instead of communicated with... my feels get all jacked up and yo-yo'ed around like some kind of play thing... I get sweet talked then left like I never mattered...
Is it okay to feel like this? or am I just being selfish ?
When is it gonna be okay that people stop breaking my heart? How do I not let them break
my heart? what am I supposed to do, stop trusting all together?
Why do people (men in particular in my case) feel that it's okay to treat me with out care?
All I have EVER done.... is try my best to care for the peple I'm around....
I will never get it 100% right All the TIME! but I have never stoped trying to be delicate with other peoples feelings.
So what indication did I ever give that I was okay with being treated like I'm disposable....
I'm furious and morose at the same time... What ever happened to communication?
I have always said to people, If you want to leave I will never stop you or hold you in a place that you don't wanna be JUST TELL ME FIRST.... I am DONE... being disposable.
But I don't wanna be apart of that every man for himself bullcrap. NO. but I am done being walked all over then thrown away.
I am a ride or die, but if you treat me less than... you'll see my back quicker than you can blink. It takes A LOT to piss me off as much as I am right now because i'm all for Love thy neighbour but I will NOT be walked all over I HAVE FEELINGS or isn't that acceptable anymore?
*deep breath*
I am not okay... I am stumbling along this path of life, wondering if I get anything right at all...
I haven't got a clue... just figuring it out as I go...
I'm not perfect and I know life isn't either.... I know other people aren't perfect...
What's acceptable and whats not?
I don't know anymore...
That's gonna be it for me today..
I just can't do this bullcrap anymore..
Still love you though,
xo Miss hermit
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