I have a confession....

Hey fam, Hope you're all having awesome days!

So, it's been a long while since my last post and BOY do I have some things to say!

So remember how I was talking about my studies and graphic design? Ya, so... I was fast tracked and put straight into a Bachelor of Creative Arts taking some extra design components. Normally university admissions take months, I was there visiting for O week with my sister and was suddenly enrolled to a bachelor the NEXT DAY, with the option to study in America for a WHOLE dang YEAR! and then I have an option to study 6 month in Europe! Like 😎💥 Mind BLOWN. I am still not sure this is even real... but I hope to take this amazing opportunity by the nads and run with it.

I'm working at the family business on Monday, working at the school Wed - Fri and I have Uni Tuesday and Thursday and some courses have to be online due to work! but how amazing is that right?!!?! I hope to smash this out of the park! it's an incredible opportunity and though I'll probably be flat out like a lizard drinking... It will ALLLLL be WORTH IT. I am so heckin' keen it's unreal!

So you know feeling pretty dang awesome!

WELL you're basically all up to date on the important stuff..

So, I have a confession to make... 

I've reached so many milestones, university, rewarding job, better mental health... finally getting to a stage where I'm really getting to know myself... I haven't quite gotten myself back to the spiritual level I need to be at... but that's always a work in progress... 

Life is generally going really well for me right now... I've been soul searching to really dig into my core and find out who I want to be... What I'm supposed to be doing with my life all that....

But... I have discovered parts of myself I didn't know were even there... 

I generally don't think of myself as a good person, though I try my damnedest to be a decent human being... 

I confess, I am a SELF SABOTAGER when it comes to relationships... 

I day dream about someone seeing me at my core... having someone love me completely...I've gotten pretty close a couple times... then comes the full fledged TSUNAMI of my past... I feel so much love, then without fail "How long will this last?" proceeding with self doubt, doubt about the person... just all consuming doubt and fear... I find amazing people and amazing relationships rise so high above the clouds with love and joy but the tsunami that is me comes crashing back to "earth" and everything is lost... I either resort to pushing back so hard that the relationship becomes so unsustainable its practically toxic... or I just totally shut off and run for the closest bridge...

why? 

I've gone my whole life, without ever hearing the words "I love you/ We love you" from any of my family... until I was about 20 and was on my second attempt of suicide... but still never really from my dad... which took me a long time to understand why.

Every day, I just wanted to fill the hole with whatever love came my way (not sexually, thanks mum) even if we weren't compatible, or what each other needed.. I filled my life with temporary things.. and I was so ... well for lack of better word... Idiotic

I watched so many movies and chased people who wouldn't care about me back. I was obsessed with finding someone to love me... thinking about it now, probably because I didn't even love myself , I mean if my parents couldn't even love me what was the point? 

I know better now, I know nobody is perfect and I understand my family better now... Even so, I always wanted the fairy tale to become reality but when it got down to the grind...  I never actually believed that I was worth the time... Countless times I pushed just to see who would stay... Doing my absolute damnedest to be my worst and expecting people to stay because LOVE right?

Who in their right mind would? 

No self respecting decent human being would stay through all that trauma without really knowing a person deeply under all the layers... at least, None that i'd met yet.

I kept every person at arms length so much that it's now become a reflex... In order to keep some "Power" I took away their ability to really get close enough to have the Power to destroy me... 

But in reality, with real love comes the destruction of those barriers together, one brick at a time..

I actually believed in the saying "love hurts"... Love only hurts if its not the right kind of love for you... 

Love should never hurt in any other way than hurting for the person you love when they're hurting... feeling with them... Not hurting because of them, though there's always that risk because loving someone means really letting them in, really letting them know you... giving them the power to be able to hurt you... but hoping to the high heavens... nay trusting in the high heavens that they won't... 

but reality dictates that with life comes good and bad, happiness and sorrow... in order to truly know how to feel there must be the equal and opposite at some stage....

I've fully discovered what it's like not to be loved, what it's like to be left behind, what its like to see a glimpse of eternity then have it all ripped from your arms... I've tried to fill my life with things trying to discover and search for happiness... and it's never worked... 

What? Why? you may be asking... how? 

Happiness isn't something that can just... be found not true lasting happiness anyways... You create happiness... that's why you hear the sayings "I have lost the happiness I felt doing these things or being in these places" etc... 

Because happiness isn't in the world... It comes from inside you... You can not find real happiness from other people or things because people change and things get old... 

It has taken me 26 years to really understand that... 

Things, people, they won't make me happy forever... if i haven't found that happiness within myself... You create the happiness within then you find the people to help you build on it... Life both is and isn't black and white... I suppose that's why people get so confused... it's so simple its ridiculous... 

I have discovered parts of myself I never even knew were hurting and I'm in the process of healing them...

I met someone, and I'm letting myself discover it... SOMETIMES you just know whether or not you could go the distance and you can let that really scare you or you can run towards it and realize... it's not so bad after all... 

I've been talking to a few people... mostly in an effort to make friends but there was one person I have to fight off... because it was a really weird feeling for me... to have someone so forward and caring... someone despite my faults, stays... 

It scared me that it didn't scare me when I thought about forever... I was immediately drawn to this person... and I fought it so hard... but I've realized that I'm safe... maybe it's time to completely let myself explore it? I'm still in two minds... because I haven't been able to spend time with this person face to face... I'm still a little reserved in the way I am... 

anyway, to be continued I guess, you'll be seeing me again soon ;) 

Much and Many Loves <3

<3

the reformed but forever weird and nerdy,

Miss Hermit