*breathes*
Today has been filled with a lot of emotions, I expressed things I've never said out loud...
People are my kryptonite, nothing much else is life bother's me these days, but when it comes to people? it's like i'm standing there watching people breathe while I'm the one who's drowning...
I watch as they laugh and breathe and smile and walk right on past me...
I am not a good person, I won't ever claim to be... all I've ever claimed to be is darkness... I have 713 friends on facebook and I've gotten to know or met every single one of them... and there's only 1 person who's ever stayed in touch with me no matter what... out of 713.... 1, maybe the bright side is, at least I have one right? but what kind of person must I be if out of everyone I've ever encountered... 1 person... has stayed... in my life... when most people have chosen to leave... what kind of monster, must I be if nobody misses me? if nobody reaches out to see how my life is? I was always reaching out first... saying my hello's but nobody ever stayed... can you imagine it? 26 years of people choosing to leave you?
Every single person is different, each scenario is different but the outcome is always the same... I'm the one who's left behind... maybe not right away... but it A.L.W.A.Y.S happens, just watching them leave me in that box to drown...
I've come to expect it, thats just reality... people leave. That's why I hate the way movies are... people have friends from when they were little and they've been friends for all that time, nobody's left... they seem so close even through drama and crazy times... I wish one day, somebody would love me back like that... even just as a friend...
I've always been told what to do by different people
"don't say that"
"do this, it will help you"
"you need this"
"you just need to breathe"
"you should smile more"
do this, do that, don't, say this don't say that...
people trying to fix me... people trying to change me...
maybe that's why its easier to write everything down... when I get emotional and share things people always quip back
"you're being dramatic"
"stop that, you're too much"
"you're having a panic attack you need to breathe"
"in and out, it's alright"
NO, its not! I hate it when people stop me when i'm trying to Feel what i'm feeling or even express it...
I'm not a dramatic person, I don't need to be stopped...
I'm intense, I feel my feelings and let them go, and I know when people are just trying to help but it doesn't... I don't need to be stopped... because it's not what's don't or its not normal to feel this way? or maybe it's talking about it that's not normal...
it's so frustrating that feeling things was and is so unacceptable... I think it was worse back in the day... can you imagine what would happen if A man was allowed to feel his feelings and show them in the 1800's ? maybe he'd be locked up for public indecency.... I don't know...
I always feel better letting things out completely... without having someone stop me, or try to fix things...
All I know right now is everyone else matters to me more than myself... thats how I grew up, not a hair on my brothers heads were touched by me? Oh if you all knew what it was like... maybe you'd know me a little better...
there's more to say... so much more but right now... it's like all the energy was sucked out of my soul... so until tomorrow, this is where this post will be...
hope your night will be the best.
xox
for now, sayonara
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