When People Fall

Salutations, to whoever might read this.

I sit here, with my headphones on listening to my hymns... trying to figure out how to best put into words the pain I feel in my heart... bare with me as a lay my everything out on the table...  The necessity is because, I don't really want to talk to anyone... Nobody ever understands me anyway... which is why I love to be alone in many ways, people... friendships, relationships and everything that follows always brings drama and complication... when i'm by myself it may be lonely... but at least i'll never disappoint anyone because I'm not doing what they want the way they want it.... there's only me.

My name is Lilly, and I suffer with depression and anxiety... I saw a quote that was shared not long ago, which I think fits me accurately... 

"When you are open about depression and anxiety people mark you down as a miserable person. I'm not a miserable person. I'm an intense person, when I feel happiness or love I feel those things intensely, and I feel pain intensely. It's the price of feeling."

I have everything, it's all going well for me... I was happy, I was peaceful, I was clear...  feeling very confident in the choices I've made for the next part of my life... 

I mean what's not to celebrate? I just got offered a new position working with kids in the 2nd grade of primary school. I have my university admittance interview on the 5th of February, I have all my appointments organised as well as having a great job working with my family and at the local police headquarters. I've lived in a way I think Christ would be well pleased, Clean and Virtuous. What more could I want right? What reasons do I have to feel any other way??? 

Then I learned from a phone call by a member of my branch that someone in the branch, was gossiping and spreading rumors.... about me... but why? Then I get a scalding phone call... and everything inside me shut down, to the point I had a pretty sever nervous break down... Something bad had happened and it was made to seem like it was ALL. MY. FAULT. I got a follow up and comforting reassurance that the situation was blown out of proportion... 

Still, my mind is not at ease...

My existence is already riddled with enough crushing self doubt and pain... but hey why not add a little more right? 

Now, not only do I not feel safe going to a place I know I should be... I feel rejected and unwanted... because anxiety dictates my sanity majority of the time... being in a place I know people have been talking about me, makes me feel like i'm about to suffocate...

Once again, I was thrown into a cross roads... let this crush and swallow me whole, and live in my conditions for the rest of my life.... or find a way to fight as best I can... as I have done despite everything that has been thrown at me for the past 20+ years of my life... despite being an outcast/exile... despite it all... I did it and I did it without the "people who love me"

I woke up this Sabbath Morning, feeling like there was a massive boulder crushing me... I am in such a conflict I feel like my soul is a hair strand away from tearing apart.... Life Changed once again... and i'm sitting with my head in my hands wondering how I'm going to push on... because everything I feel is amplified by 15, as it has all my life... 

I chose to watch some movies from the Living Scriptures app (basically like the church version of Netflix) and then it HIT me like a mountain being dropped to land... 

When you're going the right way, after having done so many wrong things... it's going to get harder... because Lucifer, wants us in eternal misery and what better time to throw mountains at us than when we are doing our best?? 

Let's face reality here... Would you want to live in a world where all choice is taken away or would you rather have the ability to choose for yourself? 

I think we also forget about the fact that with each choice follows a consequence.... I ALWAYS relate it back to newtons 3rd law of Motion - For every action there needs be an equal and opposite reaction.

I know I often tend to forget that fact... which is why majority of my time is spent wondering why.... 

I don't have all the answers... and I'm still flat in the middle of the cross roads, I don't know what will happen... 

But I do know that whatever choice I make, it'll be mine... I know that whatever the circumstance, God is waiting with his arms open and extended to me, I know that Christ is walking with me... 

While The Church is run and filled by the imperfect... The Gospel that is the Gospel of Christ is PERFECT... and for everyone.

So, while I am in conflict I do not hate those that have spread rumors, I do not hate anyone. I do not hold grudges, nor do I hold onto anger... because it does nothing.... those things have always been pretty simple and straight forward to me... but I am a once bitten twice shy kind of girl... Once you've done me wrong it would forever be very difficult for me to trust you again... 

I am Lilly, I suffer with Depression and Anxiety...

My Personality is INFP T+ (The Mediator Personality) 

My core personality colour is Blue and my Sub core is white... 

My love language is Quality Time and 

I have learned that I have a Subconscious fear of being alone, which began early in my child hood according to the psychiatrist.

These parts make up some of who I am... 

Whats next? 

Will I stay or Will I Grow..

I guess you'll find out when I find out.

That's all from me today, 

Much love

The reformed but forever weird and nerdy.

Miss Hermit