Salutations and well wishes to you all!
For the past few weeks and more so in the past few days my mind has been buzzing, my heart has been on fire (not literally) but for those of you, who understand the Gospel of Christ you'll know what i'm talking about..
I prayed, for the first time in a long time on December 31st, I spoke aloud as if having a conversation, but I also bowed my head and knelt down on my knees and prayed in silence... I wanted God to know everything, as if I was talking to my best friend... I spoke about my dreams, I spoke about my shortcomings, I spoke about my heart and the confusion and hurt that had been plaguing me for months... I asked for strength and I asked for guidance on a few matters that had been troubling me. but I also expressed my gratitude, for the things that have gone wrong in my life... I'll tell you why.
My dating/love life has always been a mess, I fall for people who aren't intended for or who do not choose me as I have chosen them, and it has taught me so much, about the gift of agency, the gift of choice. I know it sounds crazy but sometimes, the bad things are gifts too... They teach us things we never would have known or they bring an understand of things we did not understand before.
I expressed my gratitude for the things that have gone wrong for some very simple reasons.
Newtons 3rd law of motion - for every action there must be an equal and opposite reaction.
The fall of Adam (found in 2nd Nephi Chapter 2, the story of Adam and Eve can also be found in Genesis in the Old testament) but also because I would not be who I am, where I am, or know what I know, without every aspect of my life and journey here.
Yesterday, the 1st of January, the missionaries came over to teach me, I asked them to teach me the lessons all over again because I am not confident in my knowledge of the gospel... but there was a problem, since I am a single young lady and they are elders, so my brother was there with me. My brother is not a member of the church. but I was happy that he sat and listened while the elders taught.
They taught about the Plan of Salvation, using examples and using logic. Which I found very intriguing to say the least... I think they mainly spoke to my brother... which was okay I still learned a lot, but then I remembered things from my childhood that were bad.
When I was younger about 14/15 years old, I worked at this cafe about 15 minutes walk from my house maybe not even that. My cousin and I were walking home to my house, we walked on the right side of the road... just chatting and I remember having this distinct thought that was strangely not my own but still a thought, that we should cross the road, I dismissed it because it would have taken longer to get home if we did... We kept walking, Again the same thought bugged me but I chose to ignore it. We walked past this tall fenced block of apartments and I looked up for what was only a second and down again and continued walking... we had gotten about quarter of the way to my house when we heard these voices yelling, calling out such vulgar derogatory names... we realized they were yelling at us... we were suddenly faced with about 5-6 young aboriginal girls who had mistaken us for someone else they thought had done them wrong. (but in my usual way, I was at home with mum watching cartoons the day they had this trouble with the girls they mistook for us) they pulled our hair, they hit us in the face, they followed beat and hurt us as we tried to get away, we got to the corner of my house when I stopped and in my mind I said "God, if you're real... please help us get out of this" it wasn't even 10 seconds later that my brother and his friends had come speeding around the corner beeping and yelling at us. I screamed as loud as I could at him to stop but he kept driving I thought to myself, this is it. I'm not gonna make it home... but nothing happened we turned around and they were gone just like that. We looked at each other and RAN the rest of the way to my house I remember I cried for ages, on my mum's lap until dad took us to the police station... when my brother got home I screamed at him. "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU DIDN'T STOP AND I GOT BEAT UP BY STRANGERS"
At that time I was so distraught I couldn't see the bigger picture, that it could have been far worse than what it was if my brother hadn't drove past... that was my first ever conscious encounter with the spirit and God..
I never, would have said my first prayer, I never would have had an open mind to the "concept of God" if it wasn't for that day... because my family aren't Christian, they don't believe in the same God that I do. Without that "BAD" thing. I wouldn't be here today... I wouldn't know what I know, I wouldn't have made the choices I did. My life, would be VERY different.
To this day, if I'm ever anywhere unfamiliar, or if i'm in a scary place and its dark or something is happening that I don't like, even if i'm struggling with my faith. I always say in my mind, Please God protect me and keep me safe if it be thy will, but if not let me have the strength to endure what ever be thy will" without fail, without second thought. every time because of that day.
Even if it took me a long time to realize, that day enabled me to see and understand the power of Prayer, and the power of Agency, our gift of choice. God will never force us to choose right, he will never stop us from choosing wrong because of that gift to choose for ourselves the path which we will walk.
The elders reminded me of that time in my life and the lesson that I had learnt, right when I needed it. Because I have come to a crossroads in my life that will shape the rest of my forever.
What's next for me?
I need to stand on a solid foundation close to God.
I need to be open to all the possibilities that come my way.
It's time to find an Eternal Companion and build new foundation together and in order for that to happen, I need to be standing with God, I need to be a righteous woman of God. I need to stand in Holy places.
Because there is no Place safer than when I am standing by the lord, so that whatever may come, be it a broken heart, another rejection, another failed relationship, a bad situation. I will not have to go through these lessons alone.
Each and every one of those bad things has turned into a valuable lesson in my life.
When each relationship failed, I used to ask myself "What is wrong with me that they don't love me back?" and I try to chase them.
But God has taught me the value of Who I am, I am a Daughter of an omnipotent heavenly father, the father of my spirit.
I don't need to chase people who don't want me, who can't see my value.
I don't need to cry for someone who chose to leave me.
Because I know, that God loves me and he will never leave me to suffer through these lessons alone.
There's a Plan for ALL of us, and its right there and waiting if we choose it.
I know that life can be hard, and there will be struggles but it's not for nothing...
I myself have been scared and agonizing over a feeling I can not seem to shake, the more I ignore it, the more intensely it clings to my heart... but if we look closely to every situation, there is always a lesson waiting for each of us..
anyway, that's all from me today.
Love,
the reformed but forever weird and nerdy.
Miss Hermit
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