Abyss

Hey 😀 hope you're all well 💙

So, lately I've been wrestling with those pesky monsters... and I've been in my head a little too much, So.. I'm here trying to constructively release... Hope you don't mind... 

In my life, I've been rather lucky in a few areas but what would life be without a little balance right? 

the most unlucky part of my life, has been in the "department of love" I think cupid has it out for me to be honest 😂😅

Maybe it's me, I don't think I'll never know... 

I've liked a lot of different guys, they never felt the same, I've only ever truly been in love with 4 guys... 

My very first, we will call him ... Mr Palangi, he was my first genuine love, at least on my side... 

I met Mr Palangi in high school, he was at least 6'5, Funnily enough I made the first move, during a free block, I saw him sitting on this bench by himself, but he wasn't sitting on the bench part he was sitting on the top part... Just like I always did, I saw him around and we had a few classes together.. There was something about him that drew me to him, I mean he wasn't model standard beautiful... but he was beautiful to me... 

I gave him my number and that was that... we started talking and the more we talked... the more I liked him, he was smart and funny and sweet... I think I was about 16/17 ... he amazed me in every possible way, he was my first love on every level... sometimes I still think about him to this day wondering if  I made a mistake pushing him away... 

We were together for a few years, I still can't smell his cologne brand without tearing up at the memories... those were some pretty great years.... I remember the day we first started dating, the place, the day and the time will forever be burned into my head, since him i'd never stepped foot into the place where it all came together till last year actually... but anyways, he wasn't my forever, he's happy with a lovely girl they've been going strong for many many years... 

He taught me a lot about myself and to that I'm grateful for.... (if you're reading this, know that you were apart of making me who I am today, so thank you, from the bottom of my heart) 

I'm not a perfect person...I've done a lot of stupid crap, and I will never claim to be perfect... but I try really damn hard to be a good person and treat people well

My second real love, we will call him Mr Islander. 

our encounter was different, I wasn't long a member in the church, and I was sitting in this fireside (a dating fireside funnily enough) and for those that read this who don't know, they always ask the recently returned missionaries and the departing missionaries to stand up, say their name, their stake (Area) and where they served or are going to serve... 

I was falling asleep, but I heard this voice, this deep, sweet voice with a twinge of a strange accent, and immediately I sat up, and looked to see who was speaking, and I felt this burning in my heart... and a little whisper in my ear that I NEEDED to talk to him,  so after the fireside I stayed in my seat for like ages... trying to work up the courage to find him... Eventually I got up and walked around to see if he was still around... but I couldn't find him... 

I thought i'd missed my chance... but I had to go to this Halloween party a way ways out of my area... (Mind you this fireside and Halloween party were like an hour and a bit drive from my house) We were early to the party, so I sat inside and talked to a few new people, mostly I stayed in the background... 

I heard voices outside, so I decided to go meet more new people... when I walked out the door, there he was...  tall skinny dressed up... my heart was running at about a billion miles an hour and I kind of paced back and forth near the door, till I saw he was standing with someone I already knew... I saw my opportunity because my heart was burning and the voice kept telling me to GO... So I bit the bullet and walked over to my friend.. said hi... then I looked at him and introduce myself... asked him where he was from and about his accent... he asked me the same questions... 

He tried to guess where I'm from, but he couldn't so I beckoned him to come into the house with the other people and then he can see, but He hesitated for a moment... then I beckoned him again he followed me into the house, we started talking a little bit, but something was making him uncomfortable... I didn't know what it was... 

So I kept a bit of distance, he kept moving from seat to seat... I never understood why until he told me after we started dating which was a little funny to me...  There were a few people inside and we all started playing this game... can't remember what game it was, but it was a lot of fun I enjoyed that night... my friend who was driving said it was time to go (eventually) as we had a long drive.

I knew I needed to find out why I had felt the way I felt so I left him with my information and said to keep in touch... If I remember correctly I was taking a bit of a break from facebook... but gave him my information anyway just in case...  it all went from there, we spent hours talking and texting. We stayed up crazy late talking on the phone sometimes until 1-2am... the way I felt after we hung up I knew I was doomed... I already loved him as a person... then one day... we were on a video call... and he asked me to be his... I can't even write this without tearing up... 

Mr Islander... He was my most serious love... we went through hell together... I gave him everything I had, emotionally and mentally... I made sacrifices left right and center just to make him happy...  I wholly invested the entirety of myself into him and making sure he was happy and well in all aspects of his life.... He was the one, I saw myself with for eternity... but, I wasn't the one he saw himself with... and it all went down hill, but I was determined to figure out what was going on, because Mr Islander wasn't the best at communication... but I tried my best to love every part of him and his personality... During the entire time we were together, there wasn't a single day... that we didn't talk or text... 

He was both the best, and the most traumatic love I've had... but with him, I learnt A LOT about myself... he gave me more confidence to be myself and go after what I want, that being shy or withdrawn from life wasn't going to get me anywhere... He gave me so much and for that I'll be forever grateful...  

I know, i'm not society's standard of beauty, I'm about as mad as hatter from Alice in Wonderland...

but I'm okay with that and I do Love myself, partly because of what I learnt when I was with Mr Islander... 

My Third love, lets call him Mr Wheels

Mr wheels is by far my deepest love.... I completely immersed myself in everything he is...  

His ocean eyes, his enchanting smile, His humor his entirety... I loved him the moment I laid eyes on him... He was my long distance love, I flew to see him often... spent all my time focused on him... When he looked at me, I felt whole... when he kissed me... nothing else mattered.... when he hugged me.... I was in the safest place in the entire world... when he smiled at me, my knees went to jelly, he was my adventure... I cry to myself when I think about him... He was so smart and so handy, I loved cooking for him and spoiling him and surprising him.... But he will never know, that he obliterated my heart and soul, he tortured my mind, he turned my heart into dust... I went through a massive ordeal with him that will permanently scar my heart.

I guess thats what happens when you give yourself to someone who doesn't love you the same way you love them. 

I loved him, the most intensely and the most deeply out of anyone I've ever met... I don't even say his name anymore because even hearing it makes me want to cry.... This love ended by surprise... I didn't even have time to prepare myself even a little like I did with the two before... He just fell out of my life as if my life was the plane and he was the sky diver... after he jumped out my plane crashed... 

But he taught me the most about ambition, self worth, self love, and truth... 

Now i'm guessing you're all thinking if  I still feel this deeply about all of them still, I mustn't have been ready to meet someone else, but the thing about love is.... If its real it stays in your heart forever, the only way it ever fades into the background is if you meet someone who you love more... Love if its real... will never stop... no matter what you do these loves are in your life forever because in a way they help shape the person you grow into... 

I'm leaving out all the bad details because trust me there were many from both parties but I don't want to talk badly about anyone regardless how much I've been hurt.... we still had so many amazing times and thats what I wanted to focus on.... 

The thing about me, is that when I love someone, I am all in, I already run around with my heart on my sleeve with regular people imagine what its like when I'm in Real love... I love people to the point i'd rather give my life to make sure they live well and safe... 

Which is probably my problem to be honest 😂😂

As my health slowly declines, I get to thinking about my life more and more, about all the things I wish I could've handled better... 

My Last love, lets call him Mr Hard Yakka

He was a surprise, both in coming into my life and leaving it...

he's the love I never expected, he's the one who broke every part of me... this one, I'm still bitter about... He seemed like, the one who would never break my heart... but Mr. hard Yakka... he chose to break it... which, obliterated...incinerated my duck taped heart... and broke my soul... he acted like it was nothing... like I was nothing, and I had no choice but to walk away...

I'm still trying to put my life back together, while he's happy... 
but through him, I learnt a lot about masks, and patience, and that it's necessary not to play all your cards at once... it's okay to hold a little back... like the ocean.. its massive and covers most of the world... and everyone encounters it at some point.. but when you're up close and personal on the beach stepping in, it comes bit by bit. pushing forward and pulling back...  as it does this it gets deeper the further you walk in, but its still unpredictable and potentially amazing or its potentially deadly. 

I'm the most unlucky, lucky person I've ever met... but one thing I've come to know for sure... if  someone acts or treats you like you mean nothing and they don't care, believe them... 

But in laying all this out there, I've realized that I watch far too many movies, I am most defiantly a hopeless romantic... 

In recent weeks I've come to know that Three strikes and you're out applies to many things in life... Including love... 

My heart and my mind have given up the ghost... when it comes to that department, I made the decision to cut all contact with cupid and just focus on myself and myself alone... 

Love doesn't seem real to me anymore, and I'm not holding my breath because it's just going to kill me... 

At this point, I don't even know what I want anymore... and it's Time I started putting myself first... 

This is my Story, and its different for everyone... maybe love is real for you... maybe someone is waiting for you to find your way to them... so just because it doesn't exist for me and probably never will... doesn't mean it won't for any of you...  

So, Do your best! 
I'm always here to listen.

I feel it a fitting end to leave some of my favorite "love" songs in here.... 

1.When I First Laid My Eyes on You 
2.Runnin'
3.Piece By Piece
4.Never Forget You
5.Wanted
6.This Town

"if the whole world was watching i'd still dance with you, drive highways and by ways to be there with you over over the only truth, everything comes back to you."

Enjoy, 

All my love the reformed but forever weird and nerdy,
Miss Hermit