Hey! Hope y'all are going really well...
So another random post about things that have been swirling in my mind...
Human Aesthetics, Judgement & People.
Almost 5 years ago, I had a run in with a disease by the name of Bells Palsy and it totally turned my world upside down...
For most people it comes and goes and you make a full recovery...
but for an unlucky few, there are after affects... some that never go away. For me that enemy goes by the name of SYNKINESIS.
Not many doctors know how to deal with this, it often looks like a stroke.
For me it started with a lump on my eye, and a couple weeks later... I lost the ability to move the left side of my face completely...
I was devastated, especially when I would get questions like "Whats wrong with your face?" "Why do you look like that?" "What happened to you?" I'm not going to lie, it almost totally broke me inside... Every time I was about to smile I stopped myself and I wanted to cry, every time I looked in the mirror I died a little inside... Was I really a freak?
My self confidence died, right along with the connection between my brain to the nerves and muscles in the left side of my face... I questioned every social interaction, every guy who ran for the hills... Was it because I could no longer assume the nickname I was given when I was working as a bar tender and cocktail waitress? Was I no longer smiley?
I know people meant well, but I along with my newly found look, I had to deal with people telling me that it's not that bad, that they don't even notice the difference... But they didn't get the fact that I notice, I still struggle every single day... with the fact I will never be able to smile like I used to... that I have to deal with those select few who still ask me "What's wrong with your face" It may not seem like a big deal to everyone else, but It changed my life forever... It will always be a big deal to me...
Because people weren't there when I had to figure out how to eat again without food falling out of my mouth because I don't have control anymore, how to drink a drink without drooling all over the place... I had to sleep a certain way or I'd wake up in a puddle of drool because I can't close the left side of my mouth... or the fact that the vision in my left eye is getting less and less by the year... The fact I am still scared to eat in public without covering my mouth or cutting my food so small that it doesn't take much effort to chew... That I can't go into the water anymore without some kind of googles because I can't keep my eye closed, That I still have to sleep with a patch on my eye to protect it while i'm sleeping...
The million and one thoughts that go through my mind when yet another person walks out of my life as if you're just going out to take the rubbish out...
Every time I meet new people, I don't let myself get too attached, Knowing that they'll eventually leave me too. I act like its not a Big deal, because as long as I say the right things and act the right way, nobody will ever know that I am breaking inside with every step and the further away people get, so maybe its just easier to keep the world and everyone out... Less heart ache. Less wondering when they'll finally leave me behind...
How could it be so easy? How could you tell me to my face that you love me but walk away so easily, as easy as breathing? Was my love and care not good enough for you? Did you get tired of looking at my not quite right face? Was it the scars that never fully healed? Was it the walls I built waiting for somebody to come along and finish the rest of the building to make a home? - I feel like screaming into the cosmos... How is it so easy for people to disappear?
Because when I love somebody, its forever... Friendship, Family, Lovers... Its all eternal to me... Every single person burns their marks on my skin... I pretend that it's not that intense... but truth is, I'd lay down my life, and give you the shirt off my back to see you smile... If I can't at least somebody should right...
Bells Palsy Changed my life, its starting to make a rise in the medical world, there are even clinics to help people with my problems... Too bad they're all in America *sighs* it's always my luck...
It's a killer, how judgmental this world has become, while also becoming more open at the same time, maybe its the world trying to compensate... I'll never know...
People are becoming disposable and things are becoming valuable...
Looks are being valued over personality, Sex is becoming a joke, just call this number and hire a girl/guy for the night, A lot of people just look for a quick relief rather than a lasting love... Family has become less of a center and more of a side chick...
"Kind of ironic how these touch screens can make us LOSE TOUCH"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRl8EIhrQjQ ~ Prince Ea - Can we Auto-Correct Humanity
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPQ08Sjjq1Y ~ Gary turk - Look Up
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRLJscAlk1M ~ Prince Ea - Dear Future Generations: Sorry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ja-n5qUNRi8 ~ Prince Ea - Everybody dies but not everybody lives
I download a lot of sounds from YouTube but Prince Ea, is my favorite YouTuber. Maybe because we are on a similar wave length...
These were pretty accurate to the way I feel about humanity and its society these days...
Maybe, before you assume something about a person and you stop to think about it before opening your mouth. "How will the words coming out of my mouth affect me if someone was saying this to me" I learnt from a teacher a long time ago, that words, are powerful they have they power to create and nurture or the have the power to destroy and burn... Am I perfect when communicating? No, I'm human and I make mistakes... but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that words are powerful...
I know we're not a perfect people, but change starts with YOU.
I struggle every day with what's happened to me... I don't think I'll ever be able to smile at someone without my heart stopping for a second or watching their expression or demeanor for changes...
I don't think I'll ever be okay with my "New Smile" So, when you see me out and about, or you talk to me just know, I know that my face isn't quite right, I know my smile is a little crooked... So when you want to know what happened, or you want to talk about it please remember... I'm only human, and this is a sensitive subject for me... think about things before you say them because i'm probably already freaking out if you notice or not... wondering if your opinion of me will change just because I don't look exactly like my pictures...
Maybe it's like that for other people with other issues, we never know.... so be kind, because it's a universal language... just the same as love... kindness and love go hand in hand...
If you want to learn more about these please feel free to ask me questions or follow the links below 💓
https://www.facialparalysisinstitute.com/conditions/synkinesis/
https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/bells-palsy
That's all from me tonight folks,
love, the reformed but forever weird and nerdy
So another random post about things that have been swirling in my mind...
Human Aesthetics, Judgement & People.
Almost 5 years ago, I had a run in with a disease by the name of Bells Palsy and it totally turned my world upside down...
For most people it comes and goes and you make a full recovery...
but for an unlucky few, there are after affects... some that never go away. For me that enemy goes by the name of SYNKINESIS.
Not many doctors know how to deal with this, it often looks like a stroke.
For me it started with a lump on my eye, and a couple weeks later... I lost the ability to move the left side of my face completely...
I was devastated, especially when I would get questions like "Whats wrong with your face?" "Why do you look like that?" "What happened to you?" I'm not going to lie, it almost totally broke me inside... Every time I was about to smile I stopped myself and I wanted to cry, every time I looked in the mirror I died a little inside... Was I really a freak?
My self confidence died, right along with the connection between my brain to the nerves and muscles in the left side of my face... I questioned every social interaction, every guy who ran for the hills... Was it because I could no longer assume the nickname I was given when I was working as a bar tender and cocktail waitress? Was I no longer smiley?
I know people meant well, but I along with my newly found look, I had to deal with people telling me that it's not that bad, that they don't even notice the difference... But they didn't get the fact that I notice, I still struggle every single day... with the fact I will never be able to smile like I used to... that I have to deal with those select few who still ask me "What's wrong with your face" It may not seem like a big deal to everyone else, but It changed my life forever... It will always be a big deal to me...
Because people weren't there when I had to figure out how to eat again without food falling out of my mouth because I don't have control anymore, how to drink a drink without drooling all over the place... I had to sleep a certain way or I'd wake up in a puddle of drool because I can't close the left side of my mouth... or the fact that the vision in my left eye is getting less and less by the year... The fact I am still scared to eat in public without covering my mouth or cutting my food so small that it doesn't take much effort to chew... That I can't go into the water anymore without some kind of googles because I can't keep my eye closed, That I still have to sleep with a patch on my eye to protect it while i'm sleeping...
The million and one thoughts that go through my mind when yet another person walks out of my life as if you're just going out to take the rubbish out...
Every time I meet new people, I don't let myself get too attached, Knowing that they'll eventually leave me too. I act like its not a Big deal, because as long as I say the right things and act the right way, nobody will ever know that I am breaking inside with every step and the further away people get, so maybe its just easier to keep the world and everyone out... Less heart ache. Less wondering when they'll finally leave me behind...
How could it be so easy? How could you tell me to my face that you love me but walk away so easily, as easy as breathing? Was my love and care not good enough for you? Did you get tired of looking at my not quite right face? Was it the scars that never fully healed? Was it the walls I built waiting for somebody to come along and finish the rest of the building to make a home? - I feel like screaming into the cosmos... How is it so easy for people to disappear?
Because when I love somebody, its forever... Friendship, Family, Lovers... Its all eternal to me... Every single person burns their marks on my skin... I pretend that it's not that intense... but truth is, I'd lay down my life, and give you the shirt off my back to see you smile... If I can't at least somebody should right...
Bells Palsy Changed my life, its starting to make a rise in the medical world, there are even clinics to help people with my problems... Too bad they're all in America *sighs* it's always my luck...
It's a killer, how judgmental this world has become, while also becoming more open at the same time, maybe its the world trying to compensate... I'll never know...
People are becoming disposable and things are becoming valuable...
Looks are being valued over personality, Sex is becoming a joke, just call this number and hire a girl/guy for the night, A lot of people just look for a quick relief rather than a lasting love... Family has become less of a center and more of a side chick...
"Kind of ironic how these touch screens can make us LOSE TOUCH"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRl8EIhrQjQ ~ Prince Ea - Can we Auto-Correct Humanity
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPQ08Sjjq1Y ~ Gary turk - Look Up
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRLJscAlk1M ~ Prince Ea - Dear Future Generations: Sorry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ja-n5qUNRi8 ~ Prince Ea - Everybody dies but not everybody lives
I download a lot of sounds from YouTube but Prince Ea, is my favorite YouTuber. Maybe because we are on a similar wave length...
These were pretty accurate to the way I feel about humanity and its society these days...
Maybe, before you assume something about a person and you stop to think about it before opening your mouth. "How will the words coming out of my mouth affect me if someone was saying this to me" I learnt from a teacher a long time ago, that words, are powerful they have they power to create and nurture or the have the power to destroy and burn... Am I perfect when communicating? No, I'm human and I make mistakes... but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that words are powerful...
I know we're not a perfect people, but change starts with YOU.
I struggle every day with what's happened to me... I don't think I'll ever be able to smile at someone without my heart stopping for a second or watching their expression or demeanor for changes...
I don't think I'll ever be okay with my "New Smile" So, when you see me out and about, or you talk to me just know, I know that my face isn't quite right, I know my smile is a little crooked... So when you want to know what happened, or you want to talk about it please remember... I'm only human, and this is a sensitive subject for me... think about things before you say them because i'm probably already freaking out if you notice or not... wondering if your opinion of me will change just because I don't look exactly like my pictures...
Maybe it's like that for other people with other issues, we never know.... so be kind, because it's a universal language... just the same as love... kindness and love go hand in hand...
If you want to learn more about these please feel free to ask me questions or follow the links below 💓
https://www.facialparalysisinstitute.com/conditions/synkinesis/
https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/bells-palsy
That's all from me tonight folks,
love, the reformed but forever weird and nerdy
Miss Hermit
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