Late Night Muddle

Hey folks, Hope you're all doing good. 

Welp, its 2200 and sleep isn't looking any closer than it was when I shut off the light and closed my eyes 5 hours ago.

So here I am, sitting at the computer trying to process everything that's been happening lately.

You know how when you're little people always ask you what you want to be when you grow up? Then when you get older people always ask you what your goals are and you see this picture in your head... this life, love and all the rest of the dreams and aspirations that you hold high up.

It never ever works out how you think it will 100% of the time...

damn those stupid movies, and their stupid perfect picture of love..

Is it wrong, to want that though? Is it even real? Maybe not I don't know anymore, I'm starting to think its not... I've had my fair share of scuffles with cupid and his stupid bow and arrow of love...

Nothing so far has stuck, one excuse after the other but it never ends well for me... Maybe I'm arrow proof, maybe I'm just too one of a kind for anyone to handle long term... 

Now I can feel SOMEBODY rolling their eyes... but I already know,

Love isn't just a feeling, it's ACTION, it's effort it's hard work, it's compromise and it's a WHOLE lot of time. I don't care what anyone says, this is based off every long term relationship I've seen in my life. 

These days, people are so used to "disposable" everything that even relationships are starting to be disposable... One night stands, fleeting relationships that end because of one silly fight nobody will even remember... 

I remember watching these old movies with my dad, black and white movies, and the men they'd court these women even ask their fathers permission to take them on dates, they'd court them maybe steal a cheeky kiss here and there, the women would save themselves for marriage and it all seemed so simple. but maybe that's because they were movies (See? DAMN MOVIES!)

It's those little moments that I want, those quick glances across the table over a meal, a kiss after a fight, walking next to someone, being able to hold their hand, cuddling up to someone when it's cold outside, going for walks to nowhere and talking about nothing in particular... the adventures and travel... 

I want someone to fight with over who's turn it is to wash the dishes or do the shopping who's turn it is to fold the clean laundry thats been in the basked by the bed for a week... 

I miss waking up to and sending good morning texts, and someone to worry about, someone to spoil with food, I just miss having someone to share life with the little and big things.... 

I'm aware of all things these days, every woman is different... 

So I've been thinking what kind of woman am I? Or, what kind of woman do I want to be? 

I'm not the prettiest flower in the bunch, I know it and its perfectly okay... 

I like wearing backwards caps, I like wearing big t-shirts and basketball shorts and having a clean face with no make up, I like going fishing and don't mind getting muddy. But I also like wearing dresses, wearing makeup, I like spending time in the kitchen and cooking, I'll even throw in a sandwich or two in there when needed.

I don't like labels or the boxes that society creates for women, that a woman has to be one way or another... Why can't a woman be a little of everything? Why is that so scary to some people? 

People... Guys (the ones I want at least)always seem to run in the other direction, no time too much, no time to little, no promise too small no promise too big, they all run at some point... 

I always thought it was a good thing if the ones who ran did it early, because it saves heartache and I guess you get to see who people really are. and maybe you didn't need people like that...

But how many times can you be ran away from without it starting to take affect...

I don't know, maybe some day someone will take one look at me and that'll be it. They'll be there even when I rage flip the tables because I lose at a game or someone makes me mad... through all my moods... they'll let me try new recipes on them, they'll be there to go fishing with me, or play video games with me... maybe one day someone will want to do all those little things with me, maybe some day someone will appreciate it when I worry and fuss over them... 

Maybe one day someone will look at me like they've won the lottery 

and we will be a team through thick and thin... 

A girl can dream right? 

it's 147 now, and my bed is beckoning me... so thats all from this reformed hermit crab...

Love, 

Crazy, Stupid forever weird and nerdy

Miss Hermit