Overloaded

Happy Saturday from me! 🙌 hope you're all doing well today..💙 

I've been thinking a lot about grief, loss in any of its forms and the journey of self discovery and happiness. 

So I don't know about you, but I'm a bit of a people watcher👀👀👀, sometimes It's nice to just stop✋ In the middle of a busy day for a few minutes and just listen to the universe and all of It's happenings and watching all of our busy fellow humans 💃💆💇👷👮👲 rushing around in their lives. 

I don't know about you but I've done plenty of stupid stuff in my life, maybe that's why people don't mind hearing my point of view and perspective... I wouldn't classify myself as wise... maybe well versed in the ways of stupidity 😂😂😂

So, let's take a moment here to talk about a few things starting with my old friend Grief... 

I've had many encounters with this old friend of mine as I'm sure many of you have... In most situations Grief has a partner in crime that's never far behind when it comes to visit. Goes by the name of Loss also an old friend of mine, Life is riddled with it among many other things, but I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge them and their parts in my life... 

Grief, Is the overwhelming sadness that makes the world stop In It's tracks, that feeling of emptiness deep in the pit of the stomach where something once was.

Loss, Is saying goodbye to some kind of love, willingly or not depends on your outlook. 

I've had my fair share of heartbreaks, there are some that will always be burned into my history for the rest of eternity, maybe that's good but I've yet to come to a conclusion😂😎. 

The one that affected me the most, The Death of my grandmother, my nana jam. My eyes still water whenever she comes into my mind bitter sweet tears of happiness and sadness... 

Every time I smell lavender I feel like she's right next to me, encouraging me to press forward.

I never got to say goodbye, because she would never have wanted me to see her so weak and fragile. She was such a strong woman, someone I would be so lucky to be like, with such strength and honor. 

Proceeded by the death of my Grandfather My Da Plian, the day I was born he was at the hospital with a pink bunny that wears a rose bow tie who I like to call Petals, she sits on my bed by my side, I never leave the state or country without her, In a way it's like he's with me every time I need a hug... 

When I was still young my grandfather knew it was time to return to his home country, not long after.... He found out he was sick and In some ways I guess he knew... When mum found out she rushed to his side with all of us in tow... We got there in time but he was barely holding on, he said I've been waiting for you with the biggest smile that he only wore for us. 

My brother and I got to sit on his bed with him we held his hands and with his thumb he stroked the dorsal side of our hands but not long after he breathed his final breath... mum said he refused to leave until he saw us again and the doctors had to pry open his hands to get us out... I cried for months, my cheeky but mostly stern Da was gone. 

They were the only ones who really saw past all my "faults", my bad temper, my innate ability to drive my parents up the wall. My Autism. They saw all the good things about me that made them Smile and they took every part of me and loved It all. 

For such a long time I never knew how to deal with any form of loss, with any form of grief, even In my personal life... I always shut down, pushed people out or ran away because that was harder than letting someone in again, what if they leave me too? In a way I was just being selfish... 

I've cried so many tears because of the men I love and have loved, I used to wish they would come back and wondered why I was never good enough for anyone to love... But I learned very late In life, the whisperings of the universe about love and heartbreak and the people behind It all. 

So, Last year I had a dream I will never forget, March 2017 - a month after the love of my life walked away and our relationship had come to it's final end. I was In such a dark place nobody could reach me, but this dream hulk smashed all the walls I had built up down In a matter of seconds. 

My Dads mum, Nana Jam and my Mums Dad, Da Plian they were sitting on my favorite bench over looking the coast line beckoning me to join them. 

It's been burned Into my memory like branded cattle. 

My grandfather was speaking English, and he said to me... 

My sweet little girl, bad things are a necessity, like yin and yang one can not exist without the other, in life bad can not be without good. How can you expect anyone to fully understand and know what good things really are without having experienced bad things to set the contrast? How can you fully comprehend the meaning or fully appreciate the value of something until you've experienced It's opposite?    

Bad things will always be around, but if you wait long enough there is something good not too far behind. 

What the important part is how YOU deal with it, do you sit down throw a tantrum? do you stop everything in your life to lie down and take a week long nap? Or do you take a breath, take a moment to soak it all in and then take the lesson and keep pressing forward. 

My nana looked at me, she grabbed my hand and she said, my little bokchoy and stroked my hair like she used to, The world will never be without bad things because we need them, even if we don't want them... sometimes just like we need our parents no matter how crazy they drive us. What you need to remember is, We can't change what's already happened. Nothing will ever be able to change it. You, however ARE in control of how you react and how you Deal with the circumstances you are given, I want you to know that It's okay to cry my little one... tears are just love with nowhere to go. You're only human, it's not abnormal to feel these feelings... but you can't let them destroy who you are. My beautiful girl, we see you and we will always love you, never forget that because we will always be with you.

My Da moved to my other side... he looked at me, he kissed my forehead and he said, It's all an opportunity to grow while you are never in control of what life will throw at you, you can still utilize it to your advantage to help you grow and change because we don't always have a choice on how life goes, nor can we inhibit someones agency, or stop them from making the decisions they've already made but there is always something to be gained, even from situations of loss, tragedy, pain, heartbreak and all those bad things because there will always be light in every darkness. You my little chubba are strong, we have always believed in you and it's time you start believing in and Loving yourself as much as we do, We are so Proud of the woman you're becoming. So pick yourself up and know, that we will always be with you. 

Just like, that they were gone but what remained was how I felt, such a warmth and love that only ever came from them... When I woke, there were thoughts exploding in my mind so I wrote them down.

I'm going to share them with you, here and maybe, just maybe... It'll be what you need, just like I did. 

If someone leaves you, let them go, If they want you they'll be around or they'll be back... But love yourself enough to know your worth, don't beg or try to make someone see you, because it may be the case that they never will but ALL of us have a light that we and we alone control, some days it may be as small as a lightning bug, other days it'll be as big as the sun. What's important is that you never let that light die, because somebody is incapable of or ignoring just how unique, individual and amazing you are. 

Where there is Rain there will always be sunshine, where there is both, there is always the opportunity for a rainbow. 

You, will never be able to make someone stay that doesn't want to and frankly I wouldn't want someone to stay if they don't want to stay. Not anymore, because I deserve to been seen in my entirety and loved the way everyone of us deserves to be loved.

Does that mean I am better than anyone else? No, I will never be BETTER than any human being in terms of personal value. Sometimes people are just running of different escalators to different destinations. 

I want to surround myself with people who see me, who see my soul, who see my light... but not just that, someone who see's my darkness, who sees my tears and still, chooses to stand by me even if i'm being a pain in the behind. But everyone has a different and individual path. Sometimes they cross, sometimes they are side by side but all of them are individual.

I accept the people who stay and the people who leave because I know they've been a part of my life that I needed at that time, and if they leave, I'll always keep the lesson that came from my experience with them and keep pressing forward, who knows maybe we will meet again one day. 

What I know for sure now is that everyone deserves a Love of action, a Love of Strength and endurance a Love of understanding and patience. a MUTUAL love that builds instead of destroys... It's important to pay attention and forever progress and keep working. Because Love isn't a packet of instant noodles. It's a plant, how well it grows depends on how much care and attention its given. Just like there's a difference between a plant and a weed there's a difference between Real Eternal love, and the carnal infatuation that never lasts.

This can be applied in all relationships. Especially the relationship with yourself. You can't love someone to the capacity they need forever, if you can't take a moment to love yourself enough to take care of you... just like you can't really save someone who's drowning if you're unable to swim and drowning yourself. 

I've seen a few things over the years that I have written in my journal. So i'm going to leave them here as well before we move onto the next topic i'd like to write about. 

I saw a story that I've never been able to find again... lucky I wrote it down but its about Love. 

------

"It Hurts" she said

"Of course it does" he smiled sadly "The hurt is how we know it was love, the absence we feel is proof that we had something that can be lost" 

"and when does it stop?" she said

with dark eyes, like a cloud before the rain he replied

"If it was love, it won't" 

-------

After it I wrote something that I've never forgotten...

Love, if it's real will never fade... but one day, there will be someone who comes along with a love so intense, the other love won't seem so big anymore... but love if it's real will always be there in some shape or form. but again, that can be subjective depending on the situation which from of love will be present...

There was a conversational quote as well, I never knew, still to this day don't know where it actually came from, 

--------

"I love life"

"Huh? but you just got dumped?"

"well yeah and I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that something can make me that sad. It's like, it makes me feel alive. You know? It makes me feel human. The only way I can feel this sad now, is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness" 

--------

Underneath I wrote 

"This speaks for itself" 

Both of these things have impacted my life so much since I found them, and have helped me see life in a new light... I guess you could say its a little easier to smile even after something bad has happened. 

Now, to the parts I love to think and talk about. 

Self Discovery & Happiness, I'm not as well acquainted with these two, but they're still old friends. 

Self Discovery is a journey of ones inner most working and self.

finding out what motivates you towards your goals, what triggers your stop over with our other old friends up there 👆👆 but forever and always filled with UPS👍 & Downs👎

Happiness, is that feeling of warmth and comfort, that sense of security but happiness is like Ditto (from Pokemon for those who don't care to watch or play) a shape shifter, that appears in various forms, its different depending on the needs of the individual. 

For me, ditto appears in the form of nature, animals, road trips, music, out doors, food, good company, dancing like nobody is watching, singing like everybody is deaf and science. but as I said, it can change depending on what mood I'm in. (When I'm mad, my Favorite Food is always the answer, just a hot tip for the people I know 😍) 

NOW, let me just say Will Smith is the MAN. I love some of his thought videos. there was one video he was talking about him and Jada I'm gonna put what he said in here because he says it better than I ever could 

Will asked Jada

"What is the one revelation she had about love?"

she said - you can not make a person happy

you can make a person smile, you can make a person feel good you can make a person laugh but whether or not a person is happy is deeply and totally and utterly out of your control" 

"I remember the day, I retired I literally said to Jada that's it I retire, I retire from trying to make you happy. I need you to go make yourself happy and just prove to me that it's even possible and after we cracked the hell up we started talking about how we came into this false romantic concept that some how when we got married that we would "Become One" and what we realized is that we were two completely separate people on two completely separate individual journeys and that we were choosing to walk our separate journeys together. But her happiness was her responsibility and my happiness was my responsibility and we decided that we were gonna find our individual internal private separate joy and then we were gonna present ourselves to the relationship and to each other already happy not coming to each other begging with our empty cups demanding that she fill my cup demeaning that she meets my needs its unfair and its kind of unrealistic and can be destructive to place the responsibility for your happiness on anybody other than yourself" 

It's not entirely word for word so here's the link - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUwzrqcPujg

So, with all these thoughts my questions for you are.

Do you know who you are? 

Do you know what your center is? 

Do you know your worth?

Do you know what your happiness looks like? 

If you don't maybe its time to find out...

Anyways my beautiful souls, 

Love you all! if you ever need anything please let me know... I'm always here to lend a listening ear, shoulder to cry on or somebody to hug <3 

Love, the reformed but forever weird and nerdy

Miss Hermit